Born Me...

On January 12th in 1981 I was born-Wet, Sticky, 8lbs and Gay.

I knew I was gay from a very young age, the first boy I can remember having a crush on was my lanlord's son when I was five.
Knowing my attraction to other boys never bothered me, I never felt guilty or ashamed...that is until I heard the word fag. I learned that gay people are perverts and degenerates and maybe even mentally ill. I sat in bed many nights asking God(usually out loud) to take away my feelings for other boys or, at the very least, give me the guilt that I hear so many have about these feelings. Never happened. At the age of 13 I was sent to live with my aunt. It's something I always wanted and I truly feel that saved my life. My aunt is a very "religious" (she hates that term) person and thus began my baptist teen years at a christian school. I went through all the motions and jumped through the hoops never feeling anything but frustration. I still was asking God to give me guilt or shame, or at the very very least some feeling that these other christians were having. Well, either it's true what the Phelps (Those very crazy Westboro Baptists) say and I was pretty much passed over to receive God's grace and Gay becuase he hated me or maybe just a lost sole??? These feelings of guilt and shame I have heard so much about seemed so abstract to me. I told God that he said "ask and you shall receive" and "seek and ye shall find" but it seemed God's phone was disconnected for about 10 years there.

Eventually I was expelled from the christian school about half way through my junior year. I chose to move back with my mother and went to a tiny farm country school for my Senior year. I was devastated, I had lost all my friends and I was alone. This would be my 8th school, but only the 3rd highschool and the last was just to finish out my junior year. This was the first time in my life when I was unable to make any friends. I was sick of being in the closet and it was harder to hide. I could hear, for the first time, people talking, whispering and taunting me nearly every day. On the plus side I finally focused on school and did very well!!! This was also the year that Columbine happend and I actually sympathized with the kids who commited this horrible act. I know I know I shouldn't say that, but I was feeling these things-these horrible thoughts about hurting these people. How dare they treat me this way, they don't even know me...how can people be so cruel. I thought how easy it would be to just shoot one or all of these assholes. Then Columbine-BANG! I felt sorry for these people now. I had to learn about people and cruelty and where it comes from. I didn't want to hurt these people, I just wanted to graduate and let them learn from life. Well really I wanted to teach them about compassion and acceptance but I just didn't have the time.

I graduated, went to college, came back, came out and grew up....

I was originally going to recount my experience of coming out and later attending the "Love Won out" conference by Focus on the Family as a favor to my aunt. That is a great story, but I am going to try and hold back for now. I think im wordy and want people to get through at least one damn entry.

Plus I think at this point i'm still talking to myself soooooo until tomorrow...

-Stevencody